remedial awakening

So tonight I would like to discuss spirituality and all the hoopla around consciousness and awakening and the like. Because you know what? Although I do believe becoming conscious is where we're going, I feel that some of the messages on how to get there have taken a twisted route. Let me just say, I feel a helluva lotta pressure to meditate. To raise my consciousness, find stillness, and commune with the Universe. And I don't. Not regularly. I can't. And before youz all get "you have to try harder" and "don't say can't" - I offer this:
A few years back, in undergrad, (okay - a LOT of years back) I was in a body movement class. And I was learning about chakras and moving and rolling around on the floor and creating dance pieces about Halloween candy. And I tried so hard, I felt so silly and totally out of water, but I was giving it my all. MY all being the operative here. So naturally I was crushed at the end of the semester when I got a B - the teacher saying something to the effect that I hadn't let myself totally get into it.

6 months ago, when applying to Yoga School, I came up against a similar thing when I was looking at applying to a couple schools that required a handstand practice. At the time - I didn't have one - because I was terrified of them. And I thought - no one knows what injury or trauma, fear or holding that I have in my body that might be preventing me from flipping onto my hands. And how can anyone say that my inability to do it wouldn't make me a good teacher?

Why does some rule or another's perception of where our bodies are hold us back from where we are trying to go - when it's clearly toward opening - RIGHT FROM WHERE WE ARE. Our bodies are so personal and our expression in them so completely individual that in reality one can never really know anyone else's true experience. There are similarities of course, but that isn't the same thing.

And you know what? In the world of physicality - I am in the remedial group. I am. But I'm trying like hell, and maybe even more than most because I know I am so behind. I'm working on letting go of trauma and fear with an almost reckless abandon - but it is still a process.

You see, I think there has become a standard set of rules that have been applied to what gets you and A, into some yoga programs, and makes a serious spiritual practice. And I'm here to call bullshit.

Maybe we could step back to see that some people need a bit of 101 to get to a place where then can do a handstand, swing their hips freely, and sit in a daily meditation. I think someday when I've learned to calm my anxiety through a variety of techniques which I now employ other than tranquilizers, I will happily sit on a cushion.

Until then?

My 5 second handstand practice at the wall rocks the house.

Totally an A.